Mr Postman

Dear Mr Postman.

I hope you are very well. With the inclement weather I hope you are keeping as warm & dry as possible.

I have just recently moved to your route, so you don't know me, but we will be seeing a lot of each other. Or rather, I hope we will.

Last week you left 3 notes in my letterbox. Two said that you'd attempted to deliver parcels, no-one was home, there was nowhere suitable to leave the parcel & could we please pick up the parcel from the chemist in town. One said that our letterbox was not large enough to fit the parcels & could we please get a bigger letterbox, and meanwhile would we pick up our parcel from the chemist in town.

I understand you will have been doing this route a long time & I have only lived here for one month. But I am housebound. That means I am here all of the time. Unless I am at a doctors appointment, which is about once a month. The first day you left a note saying we were not at home the moving truck was in our driveway & our front door was wide open. I can assure you we were at home. The next day we were also at home.

If your inclination is not to disturb us, or to avoid our quite ferocious cat (whose terror inflicting ability is somewhat hampered by his phobia of strangers, but nonethless would be quite a tyrant but for a complete lack of courage & the fact that he is not allowed outdoors), then may I recommend the front porch, which is well sheltered, as a suitable place to leave a parcel. If you feel that the appointment of our front porch is not suitable for parcels, then may I recommend either the side porch or the rear porch as alternatives. Honestly I am not at all particular on this issue, and as you can see, we are well furnished with porches.

Regarding the note you left concerning the size of our letterbox, we have what I would consider a very large letterbox. Enormous in fact. People say "oh my, what a large letterbox". That's what I imagine they say at any rate, it certainly warrants the comment & is of all the houses on my street, the largest by far. I'm pretty sure, if there wasn't a law against it, that I could fit a small child in there. Please feel free to inspect the letterbox & advise what dimensions we will require in order for you to leave the parcel in. I'll be certain to refrain from ordering medium or large sized children in the interim.

I think it would be very helpful if we could come to an understanding. As I have mentioned, I am housebound. This means I don't go out shopping & any shopping I do is online & needs delivery to my home. Home delivery is somewhat defeated when the mail is instead taken to the pharmacy in town. Being housebound I am home at all times & am will be delighted to save you the trouble of filling in a needless card & delivering a parcel to a pharmacy. If helpful I am happy to also take my neighbours parcels & can easily pass it over the fence when I see them. Or I could pop leave a note in their letterbox & save you the trouble.

In the meantime please continue to feel free to use my driveway to pull in & turn as I notice you are in the habit of doing.

P.S. Easter is coming & we will have chocolate eggs. I have been in the habit of giving them to postmen who deliver parcels to my house. Let me know if you are diabetic, dairy intolerant, Muslim or Jewish, I am certain we can find something more suitable.